Mid-Week Game of Thrones Ramblings…(S01E06)

So last week on Podcaturday, James and Acadia had a hard time keeping up with who made who and which ladies boobs were perky and what all those banner sigils really mean. Acadia now refers to Daenerys as that “Hot Albino Chick,” and James is convinced that Viserys Targaryen and Jaime Lannister are the same person.

In a complex series like Game of Thrones, which was adapted to HBO from George R.R. Martin’s book series, A Song of Ice and Fire, there are not only a ton of people to remember, but there’s so much going on it can often be difficult to remember after the end credits what actually happened. If you did NOT watch episode six yet, and don’t wish to read spoilers, stop reading now. You were warned.

Here’s the full cast of episode six with a brief description of who they are so you don’t forget while trying to juggle all those names and people.

Eddard Stark: aka Ned Stark, The Hand of The King and The Lord of Winterfell. In episode five, Ned renounced his position as Hand of the King.

Robert Baratheon: King of Westeros, Robert is the fat guy with rosy pink cheeks whose married to Lena Heady. He likes to drink a lot and make bastard babies with whores.

Cersei Lannister Baratheon: Queen of Westeros, married to Robert Baratheon, but having sex with her twin brother Jaime Lannister.

Brandon Stark: Ned and Catelyn Stark’s crippled son who keeps dreaming of a three-eyed crow.

Robb Stark: Ned and Catelyn Stark’s eldest son, acting Lord of Winterfell while his father is away.

Theon Greyjoy: Ward/prisoner of Winterfell, hangs out with Robb Stark a lot.

Renly Baratheon: Youngest brother of Robert Baratheon, having a twisted lover affair with The Knight of the Flowers, Sir Loras, doesn’t like hunting.

Lancel Lannister: Squire to King Robert, cousin of Cersei and Jaime.

Daenerys Targaryen: The last dragon, Khaleesi of the Dothraki, married to Khal Drogo, younger sister of Viserys Targaryen.

Viserys Targaryen: The exiled dragon prince who wants his freakin’ crown back, dammit!

Ser Jorah Mormont: Exiled knight traveling with the Dothraki and secretly spying on the Targaryen children to send word back to King Robert.

Khal Drogo: Lord of the Dothraki, husband of Daenerys Targaryen, known for his sexy guyliner.

Sansa Stark: Eldest daughter of Ned and Catelyn Stark, betrothed to Prince Joffery.

Arya Stark: Youngest daughter of Ned and Catelyn Stark, learning to fight with swords and chase cats.

Prince Joffrey: Eldest son of Cersei Lannister and Robert Baratheon.

Catelyn Stark: Wife of Ned Stark, Lady of Winterfell.

Tyrion Lannister: aka The Imp. Tyrion is a dwarf and is the youngest son of Tywin Lannister and brother to Cersei and Jaime.

Lysa Arryn: Lady of the Vale, sister of Catelyn Stark and mother to Robin Arryn, Lord of the Vale.

Game of Thrones: Episode Six–”A Golden Crown”

Okay, so now that the cast has taken up more than half the post, I suppose we should get down to business. What exactly happened this week on Game of Thrones?

In King’s Landing

Ned Stark is back as Hand of the King, though much against his will. King Robert insisted, after he backhanded Cersie for being herself (I mean a bitch.) Cersei thinks Ned should have been punished because Catelyn kidnapped Tyrion, but when Jaimie killed all of Ned’s men, I think that was punishment enough, really. She wasn’t happy with that, so Robert had to slap some sense into her before dismissing her completely. I love watching them hate each other. It’s very pretty.

King Robert announces that he’s going on a hunting trip and Ned must act in his stead while he’s gone. You’d think this would be exciting for Ned, but Ned’s nauseating honor makes it hard for him to play the game of thrones. He does issue a death warrant for Ser Gregor Clegane (The Mountain guy who hacked off that horse’s head in episode 5,) after Clegane runs rampant through a bunch of villages, raping, pillaging and plundering all the way.

A funny thing happens when Ned tells his daughters he’s sending them back to Winterfell. Sansa is up in arms because she wants to stay and marry Joffrey and be happy and have his little golden-haired prince babies. Suddenly, everything made sense as Ned began flipping back through the pages of history, recognizing the dominant black hair that every Baratheon dumped into his gene pool. Odd that Prince Joffrey and his brother and sister all have yellow hair.

Joffrey comes in to apologize to Sansa while she’s being rude to her Septa. I don’t believe his crappy apologies and you probably don’t either because you’re smart, but Sansa is an idiot and she buys his act. Silly Stupid Sansa.

Arya battles her grief with her dancing teacher, who shows her that grief is no excuse to stand idle.

The Vale

Tyrion Lannister (The Imp,) wakes up on the edge of his sky cell, his poor little arm dangling over the edge. Terrified, he bargains with the guard to get him an audience with crazy old Lysa Arryn so he can confess his crimes. Once he gains audience with Lysa and the crazy little ten-year-old boy she’s still breastfeeding, he confesses to every crime he’s ever committed, none of which include killing John Arryn or attempting to kill Bran Stark. To prove his innocence, he demands trial by battle and watches as the sellsword Bronn slaughters Lysa Arryn’s champion. Winning his freedom, he and Bronn walk away from the Vale more or less unscathed.

Winterfell

Bran Stark keeps dreaming of a weird three-eyed crow. In all his dreams he’s walking and shooting a bow, something he’ll never be able to do again. When the smithy brings him the saddle (crafted from the plans Tyrion Lannister left behind,) Bran finds himself riding and shooting his bow again. Out in the woods, he’s nabbed by Wildlings from the north, who try to steal his horse. They practically slice his leg off (and he didn’t even feel it, poor thing,) before big brother Robb and Theon Greyjoy show up to save the day. They kill two of the Wildlings and capture the third, a woman. Robb then scolds Theon for endangering Bran’s life, even though he really saved it, and the animosity between Robb and Theon begins to fester as Theon is constantly reminded of his place as prisoner and ward of Winterfell.

Vaes Dothrak

Daenerys knows there’s something more to those dragon eggs, but she’s not sure what. On impulse, she lays one of them in the fire, hoping for some sign that it might hatch. When her servant comes in, she reaches in and takes it out of the fire, and when the servant girl tries to take it form her, she burns her hands, but Dani’s hands are fine because dragons don’t burn, duh!

Dani partakes in a ritual to determine the sex of her baby. After devouring a giant horse heart and not barfing it back up, the crazy Dothraki crones tell her she carries the stallion who will mount the world. The Dothraki lift her in praise, and brother Viserys gets jealous. No one ever praises him, and he’s supposed to be king. It’s not fair, blah, blah, blah.

Later, Khal Drogo has a big party to celebrate his son and drunk Viserys shows up to throw another tantrum. He wants his golden crown, and he wants it now. Oh Viserys… how spoiled and stupid you are… Khal Drogo doesn’t like babies, so in an effort to shut Viserys up, he promises to give him his golden crown. He takes off his belt and drops it in a pot over the fire to melt it down. He then pours the melted gold over Viserys’ head while Dani watches on. You’d think she’d be horrified, but instead she realizes her brother was not the real dragon… dragon’s don’t burn.

Things We Learned

• If you have sex with your brother, people will find out by reading history books.
• Hunting is more important than being the king.
• If you are a king, whining is not the way to get a crown.. at least not the one you want anyway.
• Eating horse hearts makes you have big, strong boy babies who will destroy the world.
• Lannisters always pay their debts.
• You should never offer to champion a psycho.
• If you treat your prisoners like friends, they’re going to get pissed when you try to boss them around.