Mid-Week Game of Thrones Ramblings…(S01E07)

After episode six’s crowning achievement, it was hard to imagine the writers of HBO’s Game of Thrones could top that golden moment. I will say, I really don’t think anything for the rest of this season can top Viserys’ golden crown, but there were a few eye opening moments in episode seven for those of you who’ve been paying attention. If you haven’t watched yet, (and really how could you have not watched since it’s been out since the end of episode six,) beware of SPOILERS.

The Battle Tent

Titled “You Win or You Die,” episode seven of Game of Thrones drew us into the war tent of Tywin Lannister (the guy skinning the deer), who was giving his son Jaime a stern talking to. You remember Jaime Lannister? He’s that guy who gets it on with his sister the queen, throws small children out windows and attacks Ned Stark’s men. Jaime fled King’s Landing after putting a sword through Ned’s leg in episode five and hacking all the Winterfell men to pieces outside the whorehouse. While it may have seemed an insignificant aside since the majority of the action is going on at King’s Landing, Tywin says something very important to his son, “Be the man you were meant to be.”

The Lannisters, who always pay their debts, are a power hungry force to be reckoned with, and Tywin has never quite forgiven his oldest son for taking the white and flouncing around in the King’s Guard. As far as Tywin is concerned, Jaime should be preparing to inherit Casterly Rock, but Jaime’s not quite sure. There are reasons he remains in the King’s Guard, reasons he could never confess to his father because… well… I don’t think Daddy would be very happy to learn about the incestuous bond holding Jaime so close to Cersei.

King’s Landing

Back at King’s Landing, Ned confronts Queen Cersei with the truth John Arryn died for: the incest-begotten bastard children she’s been passing off as King Robert’s for over thirteen years. Ned tells her to take her children and run away because once Robert finds out, there’ll be no sparing her from his wrath. Noble Ned, how nice of you to warn her before you destroy her life… nice, noble and incredibly stupid.

When word comes in that Robert was gored by a boar in the woods, Ned rushes to his side. The wound is already putrid with the smell of death, and everyone knows he’s not going to make it. In a private conversation, Robert gives Ned the power to rule in Joffrey’s stead as Protector of the Realm until Joff comes of age, but Ned cleverly alters the contract to say “heir” rather than “Joffrey” and they both sign before Robert seals the document to make it official after his death.

We skip away for a moment to the whorehouse, where Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish is instructing whores in the art of lovemaking. This leads to a hot little lesbian love scene, while Littlefinger gives us a personal history lesson. Later, Ned calls Littlefinger into his office and tells him what he knows about John Arryn’s death and Cersei’s treasonous infidelity. Littlefinger tries to convince Ned to take the reigns of power in order to avoid losing his head, but damn Ned’s chivalry! He just can’t do it. Littlefinger promises to do what he can to get the guard to back Ned, but after Robert’s death we see just how cunning Littlefinger and Varys the Eunuch really are.

Robert’s brother Renly tries to get Ned to follow his lead and name him rightful heir to the throne, but Ned refuses because Robert has another brother named Stannis, who is older than Renly and falls next in line in the event that Robert dies without leaving an heir. After Robert dies, Renly and his men depart from King’s Landing to stir up trouble, leaving Ned in a lurch.

Called to court to kneel before brand new King Joffrey (the first of his name,) Ned produces Robert’s decree, but Cersei tears it up and tells the guards to seize him. Thinking Littlefinger and the city watch have his back, Ned gets all haughty, but then Cersei has Ned seized for treason and Littlefinger laughs in his face, saying, “I told you not to trust me.”

On the Wall

Before taking their solemn vows to serve the Night’s Watch, Jon Snow and his new friend Samwell Tarly excitedly consider the prospects for their future. Sam wants to be a steward, and Jon’s intent on becoming a ranger like Uncle Benjen (who’s been missing for like three episodes if you hadn’t noticed.) When Commander Mormont calls out their places before they swear their vows, Jon is most aggrieved when he’s named to the house of stewards to serve directly under Lord Commander Mormont. Sam has to explain to him that though it seems like a slight, it’s a great honor. Commander Mormont wants Jon with him so he can train him for command. Funny, how Sam is like the bumbling simpleton, but he gets things the incredibly noble and clever Jon Snow just can’t even begin to wrap his head around. Apparently Sam wanted to be a wizard… maybe he should have considered that line of work more carefully.

It takes a few minutes, but Jon eventually sucks it up. He and Sam head out to the Godswood to swear their oath to the Night’s Watch before the Weirwood Tree, forsaking their former family and promising to never marry or father sons. Hooray! 0_o

Vaes Dothrak

It seems Dani is having a bit of trouble convincing Khal Drogo to take up his men and cross the ocean so their son can sit on the Iron Throne. The nomadic Dothraki prefer their dusty desert grasslands to the poison water that can’t be drunk, and he refuses her.

Then one day, while Dani is out walking the market with her servants and Ser Jorah Mormont, she stops to sample a wineseller’s wares. While she’s chatting it up with the wine merchant, Ser Jorah meets with one of Varys’ spider boys, who tells Jorah he’s free to return to King’s Landing. *COUGH*Traitor*COUGH!*

Jorah watches on while foolish little Daenerys brags up her heritage to the wineseller, who says, “Oh, well, la-dee-dah! I have the perfect casket of wine for such a lovely Khaleesi.” As he’s trying to get her to sample the wine right there, Jorah comes in and tells the guy to drink it first. The wineseller refuses and then tries to run away, revealing that the wine was poisoned–another attempt from King’s Landing to snuff out the Targaryen line once and for all.

Imagine how Khal Drogo felt when he learned this happy news. People across the poison water really do want his wife and unborn son dead. APPALLING! The Khal rallies his men and promises to cross the poison water to sit his son upon the iron throne because nobody messes with the Moon of His Life. NOBODY!

Things We Learned

• Lannisters always pay their debts (they’re really beating this one into our  heads!)
• When you mess with the boar, you get the tusks
• Being noble and honest only gets you into trouble
• Never trust a man with little fingers
• In order to properly protect the world south of The Wall, you can’t have sex or make babies.
• Nobody messes with the unborn stallion who mounts the world!

Episode Seven Full Cast of Characters

Jaime Lannister: Brother/lover of Queen Cersei Lannister-Baratheon, commander of the White Cloaks.

Tywin Lannister: Father of Queen Cersei, Jaime and Tyrion Lannister, lord of Casterly Rock. Skins a mean deer.

Eddard Stark: aka Ned Stark, The Hand of The King and The Lord of Winterfell, named protector of the realm while King Robert is on his death bed.

Robert Baratheon: King of Westeros, Robert is the fat guy who likes to drink a lot and make bastard babies with whores. He’s also fond of getting himself skewered by boars.

Cersei Lannister Baratheon: Queen of Westeros, married to Robert Baratheon, but having sex with her twin brother Jaime Lannister.

Renly Baratheon: Youngest brother of Robert Baratheon, having a twisted lover affair with The Knight of the Flowers, Sir Loras. Doesn’t like hunting.

Prince Joffrey: Eldest son of Cersei Lannister and Robert Baratheon.

Petyr Baelish: aka Littlefinger, financial adviser to the realm, whorehouse owner, in love with Eddard Stark’s wife Catelyn.

Varys: aka The Spider, spies on the entire realm and sows seeds of dissension and distrust everywhere he walks.

Jon Snow: Man of the Night’s Watch, bastard son of Ned Stark, steward to Night’s Watch Lord Commander Mormont.

Samwell Tarly: Man of the Night’s Watch, nicknamed Piggy because he’s overweight and soft, steward to Maester Aemon

Maester Aemon: Blind maester of the Night’s Watch.

Lord Commander Mormont: Also known as The Old Bear, Mormont is the commander of the Night’s Watch and father of Ser Jorah Mormont.

Ser Allister Thorne: Master of Arms for the Night’s Watch. Doesn’t like Jon Snow.

Daenerys Targaryen: The last dragon, Khaleesi of the Dothraki, married to Khal Drogo, younger sister of Viserys Targaryen.

Ser Jorah Mormont: Exiled knight traveling with the Dothraki and secretly spying on the Targaryen children to send word back to King Robert.

Khal Drogo: Lord of the Dothraki, husband of Daenerys Targaryen, known for his sexy guyliner.